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If my future husband is reading this, I promise to try my best not to let it happen to you too. That is, of course, if I do actually have a future husband. Well if there’s hope for Bridget Jones there’s hope for me, right? Mr Darcy where the fuck are you?

I don’t really know why I’m writing this on a blog view-able by anyone and everyone… I’m not helping myself really am I? So here goes.. #singleforever

Little Miss Perfect – v – The Grinch:

Week 1 of a relationship is very different to week 52 of a relationship. On day 1, I’m basically Little Miss Perfect. Fast forward a year and I’ve turned into The Grinch.

Anyway, this post relates to week 1 of a relationship (my relationship with B2). I’d painted the princess picture of being cute, lady-like and angelic and on this particular night we’d ventured into the realms of sleepovers. He was staying at mine for the first time.

What goes in, must come out:

The issue with eating dinner with a boy, is that THEY EAT SO MUCH. Oh my god. So much. And that is exactly what he did. Ordered the entire fucking kitchen at dinner and made me share it all with him. #thebeginningoftheboyfriendbelly

It’s straight forward science really. What must go in, must come out. Fuck my life. I ate so much that the inevitable happened. I NEEDED A POO SO BAD. Picture a tortoise poking its head out of its shell. My bum was the shell and… you get the picture.

This is where it got tricky. We were still in week 1 – I couldn’t turn into the Grinch just yet?! I could no way poo when I was with a brand new boyfriend. THAT’S NOT HOW THE RULES GO. Right?

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Back at my flat with my shiny new boyfriend, I don’t think I’ve clenched my butt cheeks so much in my life. But I did – I clenched and clenched and held that motherfucker in.

I think all that hard work/clench wore me out. Because I fell asleep. Fast asleep.

THIS IS WHERE MY LIFE ENDED.

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP”

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I woke up to my boyfriend laughing hysterically, to my butt cheeks feeling surprisingly unclenched and to the sudden realisation that I had just farted in my sleep. FARTED IN MY FUCKING SLEEP. Not only that boys and girls, I literally WOKE MYSELF UP from farting so loud.

No wonder the bastard cheated on me.

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