Standing at the checkout in Sainsbury’s with a queue the size of the M25 behind me, I think I died inside. I don’t usually get embarrassed easily but this specific god awful Tuesday my face was the colour of a small plush tomato.
I can’t say every girl has been in this specific situation because we all know those annoying little-miss-perfect goody two shoes who always follow the rules. Well all I’ll say is rules are meant to be broken even when it involves your vagina. Ok maybe they aren’t, but whatever, we all make mistakes (mine are often bigger than others). Luckily, my best friend, Gothic Barbie, had made the very same mistake as me, so we attempted to rectify our vaginal fuck-ups together. Here goes…
“you ask” “no, you ask” “I know the woman behind the counter, I can’t ask” “fine! I’ll ask but only if you come with me” “ok but I know her so don’t tell her one is for me” “ok I won’t tell her, lets go”.
Gothic Barbie and I waited in the queue like two giggling school girls who weren’t sure if they were laughing or crying.
“Hi, please can I have two packets of the thing to the right of the Nicotine box?” “Sorry, what?” “the thing to the right of the Nicotine box. I need two of them” “Where sorry?!” “To the right of the Nicotine Box!!” “Sorry I’m not following you”
Silence fell. She looked at me, I looked at her, the 15 people in the queue looked at me, the people to the side of me looked at me, everyone looked at me, I looked to the floor. FUUUUCK.
Then, Gothic Barbie to the rescue! She whispered as quietly as possible…
“2 pregnancy tests please” “Oh, I see, okay, no problem”.
That was it. I fully burst into hysterical laughter and I could not stop. Seconds passed and I was still pissing myself laughing. A few more seconds passed and Gothic Barbie was laughing. Minutes passed and the Sainsbury employee joined us laughing. All three of us were literally stood laughing hysterically, unable to talk whilst this Sainsbury employee held 2 pregnancy tests and I held my vagina in the hope I didn’t pee my pants.
We headed back to my flat and pee’d on the tests which were basically plastic sticks. We put the sticks on the table and waiting a long three minutes for the verdict. We looked at the clock then looked back at the table…
“Fuck. Who’s stick is who’s?!”
Don’t worry team – both sticks were negative anyway! Can you imagine if one said pregnant and the other said not pregnant?
Moral of the story? When using Pull Out Technique* do not seek pregnancy test in small convenience store. Go to a very very large store where the test is not behind the counter and you do not humiliate yourself in your local town.
*If you do not know what the Pull Out Technique is, google it. I feel that it is too explicit to say on here.