So this story is embarrassing, and I hope to god my mother never reads it. I should probably write something more serious and reflective but I feel compelled to tell you this horrendous story. I can hear my mother now, “you’re supposed to be a lawyer!”. But I can’t help but write it because it’s fucking funny, really. 
The night before the incident occurred, I had sweat dripping down the side of my head, I was screaming loudly and my hands were gripping the bedsheets. No, I wasn’t being murdered, I was just orgasming. 
At the risk of sounding like some sadistic, Mr-grey-loving crazy woman,  you really can’t beat meaningless, casual sex. Especially when the guy’s willy is the size of JUUUPITER. Love and its fairies can piss off because this is what I call feeling good.
Anyway, back to the story.
After a night of the good stuff, I turned up to work business as usual and sat down at my desk. Any girl will agree, that when you’ve had a good time (if you know what I mean), you feel compelled to tell your girl friends all the gory details. And that’s exactly what I did. I snuck out of the office, sat down on the bench across the road and called my best friend.
Oh god, I can hear her now… “You should be focusing on work, not calling [X]”…. Shut up mother!  
Well, that was it. I let rip. I told my girl friend everything. Every last detail right down to the width of his penis. I also told her, that his willy was so big, that I couldn’t fit a condom on it (no judgement please – I got checked, okay?)
Then, as the word “condom” came creeping out of my mouth… it happened.
Imagine a moment in time when you silent fart, and it comes out like a machine gun fart instead. That is how i felt. Like a fucking machine gun farter in a room filled with silence.
My accounts director, the woman who sits directly behind me every day, walks out from behind the wall in front of me. She looks at me, I look at her. It’s as if time has stopped. She walks by awkwardly, I sit there wanting to cry.
So, if you think you had a bad day, just consider mine. I’ve got to sit in front of the fucking woman for the next 2 months.  Help?!