After I finished law school, I knew I had to take a break from law while a could. Once you start your career and work, it is hard to take time out. So I knew the best time to get away was before I started my training contract in a real life office. So, I did exactly that. I booked a 4 month trip travelling across America, Asia, Australia and New Zealand with my best friend.
The only down side to that, was that I had to say goodbye to B2. After the monstrosity that was Boyfriend number 1 (B1), B2 was my next love. He was everything that B1 wasn’t. Kind, caring, gentle, understanding… I thought he might even be “the one”.
I left him at the train station the day I left England, I was sobbing until I thought my eyes were going to fall out. Saying goodbye was probably up there with my three hour banking law final – Hell. I’d say it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
So off I went. I’d FaceTime B2 pretty much every day while I was away. On this specific day, in New Zealand, I facetimed him for our daily catch up…
I only had 30 minutes left of free wifi so… FaceTime again…
Still no reply.
At that point, I got the worst sinking feeling in my stomach and I actually felt sick. I can’t explain it or why I felt it, but I did. Something inside of me was telling me I had to FaceTime B2 right now. So I tried for a third time and this time he answered. He jumped straight out of bed, hid the camera and went straight into the bathroom. It was very odd. Something again told me something wasn’t right here. Why was he not in his bed and why didn’t he answer my call the first time?
“Go into your room, I want to see your bed”.
After a lot of protest, he eventually stormed into his room telling me I was paranoid and ridiculous. But as he entered his room, guess what happened? The phone cut out. Typical isn’t it. His phone apparently ‘died’ and he called me back about 5 minutes later, and would you believe… he was in his bed alone!
When you’re in love with someone, you want to believe everything about them is good. That there are no red flags or warning signs. That they’re perfect. Because, in your eyes, they are. So, across the other side of the world from the guy I thought I was going to marry, I couldn’t possibly believe he’d cheat on me. He just wouldn’t that, right? He loved me. How could he? He wouldn’t.
And that is what I told myself for the next 2 months of my trip, and the following 6 months after my return to England. The issue with that, is that deep down, I always knew he’d cheated. I didn’t trust him. I was unhappy, miserable. I felt trapped. I couldn’t accuse B2 of cheating because I had no evidence. What if I was wrong? I would have thrown away what used to be an amazing relationship because I was just paranoid. So I stayed with him, until that one night…at a party with B2 and all of his friends…
“Are you and [B2] in a monogamous relationship?”
“Of course we are? Why would you say that?”
The 5 girls surrounding me all fell silent, looking to the floor and refusing to answer my question. It was obvious, they knew something I didn’t. At that moment I knew that I had to sort this out once and for all. I couldn’t go on questioning this, feeling paranoid and stupid and like I was trapped in a relationship that had died so many months ago. I had to take control of the situation.
“Please tell me girls, I deserve to know”
I think they all saw the desperation in my eyes when I said that, because they took me to the upstairs bathroom and told me everything. That very night I got that sinking feeling in my stomach back in New Zealand, was the night my so called boyfriend who told me we’d be ‘forever’, cheated on me with some random girl he’d just met that day. He didn’t just cheat on me, he took this girl back to his flat, had sex with her in his bed, and let me sleep in that same bed for so many months after he’d done such a despicable thing.
I couldn’t even see properly. Everything was just a blur and I knew I had to get out of the flat. I didn’t want to see or speak to B2. He’d not just abandoned me like B1, he’d betrayed me. He betrayed everything we’d ever discussed and planned and threw it all away for one night of drunken sex.
I left the flat and never looked back. We were in touch for a few weeks after that. I wanted to see if I could forgive him, and if we could ever go back to how we were before I went travelling. But we couldn’t – I could never let him back in my heart after ripping it out so brutally after such a long period of time.
We were so happy before I went away, but the truth of the matter is that we weren’t meant to be. I love to travel, and I love to see new places. I know that I need to be with someone who is happy to let me do that. The insecurities of B2 ruined us. He was so fixated on the fact that I was so definitely going to cheat on him, that he turned to such awful behaviour himself. The irony of it is, that I didn’t cheat on him and I never would. But once you break trust in a relationship, it never comes back.